My Plan

Where is my place, where should I be, what is my purpose, should I be doing things differently, why do I feel I don't belong anywhere.. these are questions and thoughts I often ask myself. They are hard to admit to other people because I want to be strong. I want to be someone with a plan. Someone who has and knows their own direction. I wish this were easier for me. Life is such a conquest. I'm doing and trying everything I possibly can to be a better person. I try so hard to keep an eternal perspective and remember my purpose. Sometimes it's just so hard. I feel so lost sometimes I feel like why am I even here? I'm doing great things in my life that I never thought would be possible. I just need to recognize where I have been and where I am now and be so grateful for the miracle I have witnessed in my life. When I spoke my feelings out loud last night the words that were said back to me were so endearing. I need to remember I have come so unbelievably far from where I was at the beginning of this year. I am actually living and trying to embrace my life rather than be numb to everyone and everything in it. Some days its so hard to get myself out of bed. My nephews have even commented sometimes how I hide out in my room. It's so embarrassing but I know I need to hear it, even from my sweet 5 year old nephew. So I obviously still struggle with facing life as much as I hate to show it. I want to be strong like my family members and make my parents and brothers and sisters proud. Everyone has had so much faith in me and it's made my own faith in myself so much stronger. I would not be trying to live my life if it weren't for them. I am truly blessed to be here and I know it. I know my Father in heaven loves me and wants me to hold on and trust in Him. I had to leave my whole life behind in Logan. Work, friends, my town house I lived in.. I sold my car, got rid of my Iphone.. I really can't say that it was all a "sacrifice". This experience has taught me that materialistic things are really not important. I had to do it to save my life. Without my family it would have never happened. After a really hard night last night I am just so grateful that my family doesn't look at me like a failure. I can wake up in the morning and force myself to get ready and know that there is someone who believes in me. These are all thoughts that are stuck in my head, I'm just trying to get out of this low I've been stuck in. We all struggle in one way or another, I know that one day we will overcome. It's all about patience.